WXPFL Championships VI: HOT LEAD Thursday August 5th at The Funhouse

(PENCIL) BREAKING NEWS –
Pabst Blue Ribbon presents:

WXPFL Pencil Fighting Championships VI: HOT LEAD

at The Funhouse in Seattle – Thursday August 5th 9pm – featuring live music by WARNING: DANGER!

Confusion has reigned over the last week as the current WXPFL Champion “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough was suspended by WXPFL Officials for using a body-enhancing steroid OTHER than WXPFL Sponsor Buff Nuxx.

So WXPFL Owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has vacated the title, and now the tournament will be direct shot at the championship, all you gotta do is beat the most dangerous pros in the business!

Starting at 9pm is the WXPFL Tournament pitting WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighters vs. randonly drawn audience members in a battle for prizes, trophy, glory, and a shot at the vacant WXPFL championship.

Audience members will battle the roster of WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighting Superstars…, The Bird, The Yellow Dragon, Ronald McFondle, The Librarian, Thaddeus P. Skrilla – The Hundred Dollar Man and more!

PLUS: Special challenge match:

At WXPFL V, The San Juan Isalnd Savage regained his sacred JuJu Bone, but the vendetta between the Asshole Brothers and the Savage is not over yet!

THE ASSHOLE BROTHERS vs. HIGH CHIEF ANAKORTES ORKAS – THE SAN JUAN ISLAND SAVAGE in a dangerous CAGE MATCH!

Live Music by WARNING: DANGER!

Hosted by Prof. Jake Stratton (BloodHag, Rat City Rollergirls, SST)
and Don “Beauty” Rumble.

Sponsored by

Pabst Blue Ribbon, The Rat City Rollergirls, Archie McPhee, Dungeons and Dragons, Scarecrow Video, Pierced Hearts Tattoo & Piercing, Sin In Linen, Dixon/Ticonderoga Pencils and Buff Nuxx weight gain powder.
THURSDAY AUGUST 5th at THE FUNHOUSE
WXPFL VI: HOT LEAD
$7 21+ 8pm doors/9pm…Pencil Fight!
The Funhouse 206 5th ave. N. Under the Space Pencil, I mean, Needle.
  

To see the rules of Extreme Pencil Fighting and find out more about this proud and ancient sport, go to http://www.pencilfightingwriting.wordpress.com

WXPFL V: ERASED – 5/20/10 at The Funhouse

(PENCIL) BREAKING NEWS – WXPFL V: ERASED will be at The Funhouse in Seattle – Thursday May 20th 9pm

The show so far….

Starting at 9pm is the WXPFL Tournament pitting WXPFL Superstars vs. randonly drawn audience members in a battle for cash, prizes, trophy, glory, and most importantly, and immediate shot at the WXPFL Championship!
The same championship currently held by the most dangerous and outspoken man in the sport, 4-time champ THE BIRD!

Going for the Bird’s trophy are the members of the roster of WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighting Superstars…, Mick Finster The Lepre-Con, DeeeVious Silvertounge, Ronald McFondle, Thaddeus P. Skrilla – The Hundred Dollar Man and more!

Recently added to the tournament is a former WPFL champion, a true living legend, and one of the biggest stars of 80’s Gra-Fighting: THE PENULTIMATE WARRIOR
Does he still have what it takes to swing cedar with the young blood?

Also, the winner of the Pencilmania Open Audience Tournament, Dan “Ten Things” Halligan, now rechristened DUE DATE DAN – THE LIBRARIAN!

Also, this just announced:
One of the legends of the Rat City Rollergirls, the former commander of The Throttle Rockets and a mistress of the Dark Side of Sports….DARTH SKATER!

PLUS: Special challenge match:

Both of THE ASSHOLE BROTHERS vs. HIGH CHIEF ANAKORTES ORKAS – THE SAN JUAN ISLAND SAVAGE in a first-time-ever TICONDEROGA TRIPLE THREAT MATCH!

Live Music by “The Sound of Pencil Fighting”: LESBIAN

DJ BOBCAT spins non-stop Metal all night!

Hosted by Prof. Jake Stratton (BloodHag, Rat City Rollergirls, SST)
and Don “Beauty” Rumble.

Sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon, Rat City Rollergirls, Fantagraphics Books, Scarecrow Video, Pierced Hearts Tattoo Parlor, Puffin Glass Studio, Dixon/Ticonderoga, and Buff Nuxx Weight-Gain Powder!

THURSDAY MAY 20th at THE FUNHOUSE
WXPFL V: ERASED
$7 21+ 8pm doors/9pm…Pencil Fight!

As always, get to know more about Pencil Fighting at www.pencilfightingwriting.wordpress.com

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Asshole Brothers

WXPFL doesn’t sign Gra-Fighters based on their personality. If you can’t swing the cedar with the best, you’re not making the WXPFL roster. So when the bred-in-the-bone dirtbags The Asshole Brothers brought their particular brand of bad boy to Pencil Fighting, their Gra-Fighting skills made it more than worth the trouble to put up with their antics.

The brotherly duo of Joseph and Jimmie Asshole showed their rambunctious, rebellious, rock n’ roll nature at a young age, when they were eighty-sixed from the zoo during a third grade field trip for pencil fighting in the bear pit. After that, their Pencil Fighting obsession took hold. They were soon eighty-sixed from school, eighty-sixed from their jobs, eighty-sixed from every bar, restaurant, airport and federal building in the city, eighty-sixed from the city, then eighty-sixed from the state, and after that, eighty-sixed from the country.

During their exile from America they traveled the world, and fell in with a pencil-smuggling ring operating out of the graphite pits of southern Finland. It was here they made their fortune and further honed their pencil fighting skills, learning the tricks and techniques of every culture. They were soon eighty-sixed from Finland, then eighty-sixed from 10 other countries in the EU, Asia and Africa. After being eighty-sixed from France, they were allowed to return to America, but only under WXPFL’s supervision to professionally Pencil Fight.

Despite being scorned and vilified in so much of the world, many countries have gone “Asshole Crazy” about Joseph and Jimmie. They’ve been elevated to major celebrity status in Paraguay (where they love Jimmie) and Uruguay (where they renamed the capitol after Joseph). In India an Asshole Cult worship them as demigods and hold elaborate rituals in their name. The leader of this cult, Swami Pervi Slurpii has recently joined the Asshole entoruage, and blesses all the Brother’s fights.

Yet, despite their fame, power and money, they’re still just Assholes.

The Asshole Brothers routinely compete against each other in a pre-tournament match to see who will get the slot in the WXPFL tournament. Who will get the spot to go for the gold at WXPFL III: Breaking Point?

JOSEPH ASSHOLE: The younger of the two, Joseph prefers to let Jimmie be the mouthpiece, and instead let his pencil do the talking. Famous for the Asshole Grip defense. He loves beer, Metal, and destroying the ozone layer.

JIMMIE ASSHOLE: The elder Asshole is loud and fearless, a colorful lunatic who usually brokers their underground pencil fights. Founder of the Asshole school of Pencil Fighting in Jakarta, India. He loves Metal, being addicted to substances, and the smell of fresh laundry.

A former member of Thee Asshole Entourage

BROTHER DAMIEN: The Assholes were once accompanied at all times by their massive russian bodyguard Brother Damien, a former KGB agent. Brother Damien’s services were won by The Asshole Brothers in an unlicensed underground Pencil Fight, where Joseph Asshole battled Vladimir Putin atop Stalin’s glass casket. Never speaking, Brother Damien is the head of Asshole Brothers Security.

Jimmie Asshole

Jimmie Asshole holds his penalty pencil high!

None slicker than Joseph Asshole!

Swami Pervi Slurpii and Brother Damien watch the Asshole Brothers fight!

Photos by Vicki Bracken

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: Mick Finster The Lepre-Con

In 2009, WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV introduced his “Global Talent Initiative”. He sent a team of talent agents to every corner of the earth looking for the fiercest, freshest, most extreme professional and amateur Pencil Fighters. So far it’s paid off, as every new Gra-Fighter signed has made an immediate and lasting impact!

 

Mick Finster - The Lepre-Con

Mick Finster - The Lepre-Con

Photo by Vicki Bracken.

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Yellow Dragon

In 2009, WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV introduced his “Global Talent Initiative”. He sent a team of talent agents to every corner of the earth looking for the fiercest, freshest, most extreme professional and amateur Pencil Fighters. So far it’s paid off, as every new Gra-Fighter signed has made an immediate and lasting impact!

 

 

Beautiful and Deadly - The Yellow Dragon

Beautiful and Deadly - The Yellow Dragon

Photo by Vicki Bracken

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Hundred Dollar Man

The Hundred Dollar Man made his first appearance at WXPFL III, but he has had his hands in WXPFL since its inception. In photo enhancements of pictures taken of the crowd, you can view Mr. Thaddeus P. Skrilla sitting in the penthouse suite atop the Jewelbox Theater at every event. Word on the street has it that he paid a team of North Korean immigrants tens of dollars in order to construct the robot that competed in prior pencil fighting tournaments before self destructing after it’s loss to the Bird.

After his robot’s failure, Mr. Skrilla has reinvested his wealth into giving himself unfair advantages in pencil fighting. He had rolls of pennies implanted into his knuckles in order to improve his defense, he bought the technology used in the film “Rookie of the Year” and had the tendons in his arm surgically altered in order to improve his pencil strike and he’s even gone as far as to use his above average wealth to hire out of work reality TV star Steven Seagal to teach him to properly stare down his opponents.

He cares nothing for the championship, but is desperate to obtain it based on sponsorships already procured from companies such as ponzischeme.com, We Pay You to Lose Weight and the Barinoff bar and diner. Coming from a moderate fortune his lifelong mottos have been “Making money is my business” and “Carpe Dime” (translated as “seize the dime”).

Skrilla finally won the WXPFL championship amidst much controversy, and has tried every attempt at avoiding defending it since then.

hundredollarman

“The Hundred Dollar Man” Thaddeus P. Skrilla

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Bird

Two-time WXPFL champion The Bird is indeed “the word”, his name on everyone’s lips and his face on every sports magaizne in the country, but who is this mysterious man? Who is the face behind the mask of the “Master of the Middle Finger from Monterrey Mexico”?

“The Bird flips, The Bird flies, The Bird beats up dudes twice his size!” is the only quote this reporter could get when quizzing The Bird about his past prior to coming to the WXPFL. With no history and no information from the man himself, we are left with his actions in the WXPFL ring. His varied catalog of pencil strikes is only matched by his collection of specialty flip-offs: The Fisherman, The Lawnmower, The Sit N’ Spin, The Abracadabra, every imaginable variation of the middle finger salute. One thing is for sure, for The Bird, a middle finger is his preferred form of communication. For him a middle finger is like “Aloha”. It means both hello and goodbye. For him it can just as easily mean “Fuck Yeah” as “Fuck You”.

At WXPFL I, The Bird fought his way through the top competitors in the game to become WXPFL Champion. At WXPFL II: Lead Poisoning he waited as seated champion and finally defeated The Lepre-Con in the final seconds of the championship match. In November 2009 questions were answered and critics were silenced as The Bird outmaneuvered The Yellow Dragon in the finals of WXPFL III: Breaking Point and became the first ever three-time WXPFL Champion! Can the beleaguered pencil of the Bird survive another battle?

Everybody's heard about The Bird!

Everybody's heard about The Bird!

Photo by Vicki Bracken.

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