WXPFL VIII: HARD WOOD Preview

(PENCIL) BREAKING NEWS:

WXPFL officials have announced the first WXPFL Championships of 2011!

WXPFL CHAMPIONSHIPS VIII: HARD WOOD – Friday March 25th 10pm Rendezvous Jewelbox Theatre $7 21+

Audience response to the Last Pencil Standing gauntlet match was phenomenal, and WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has decided to bring it back, this time as a replacement for our normal single-elimination brackets. Twenty competitors, both our WXPFL stable of Pro Gra-Fighters and audience members, will be entered at random into the LPS tournament, and the winner will get trophy, prizes and most importantly, an immediate title shot against current WXPFL Champion Thaddeus P. Skrilla aka “The Hundred Dollar Man”.

Ticonderoga also announced that more new international talents will be joining the roster and making their debuts at Hard Wood, classic Gra-Fighters will return, and sadly, a few top contenders will be missing the show:

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, the WXPFL has arranged for the release of Mick Finster The Lepra-Con from the Parisian prison that has been his home since December 2010, in order to compete in WXPFL VIII.  Inside sources say that the Parisians were happy to be free of him due to his lack of couth and his outrageous views on fine French Cru Beaujolais.

Hot, polite, newcomer The Canadian will be unable to make the show due to the metric system.

4-time WXPFL champion The Bird will be unable to make the show due to injuries to the middle fingers of both hands suffered during sparring.

The Penultimate Warrior posted a really long, rambling blog about why he couldn’t make it, but we couldn’t understand any of it.

See all you Pencil Fighting fans at The Rendezvous on March 25th!

WXPFL VII Report

“Big Time” Bill Bates was detained at the airport returning from Hollywood after refusing to go through the full body scanner, and was unable to make the Last Pencil Standing gauntlet match. This no-show at the biggest event of the year has penalized Bates, dropping him down to the bottom of the rankings.

The newest hire of the International Talent Search The Canadian wowed the crowd with a polite but lengthy streak of wins, dominating the middle stretch of the Last Pencil Standing tournament. This impressive debut has catapulted him up the rankings from unranked to #6, making his the highest ranking debut of any pencil fighter since the WPFL changed to the WXPFL.

The Asshole Brothers forced their entourage into the Last Pencil Standing match, with Swami Pervii Slurpii and their new lawyer Morty Manischevitz also participating and promising to give the title to the Assholes if they won. None of the Assholes or entourage managed to advance, however.

Mick Finster “The Lepre-Con” was sentenced to three to five years in a Parisian prison for performing a series of lewd acts with baguettes, and has been removed from the active roster.

“Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough returned from his suspension, and beat many top competitors in a row at Last Pencil Standing, beating top opponents with a single strike, including the also returning rival The Bird. The final draw to face him was reigning champ Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man”, who was warned repeatedly about attempted rules violations, keeping Balls Deep off balance enough to survive the first strike, then following it up with a single devastating strike of his own, and walking away with the new WXPFL championship belt.

Official decision DQ’s Skrilla’s pencil! Ticonderoga declares LAST PENCIL STANDING!

(PENCIL) BREAKING NEWS!

WXPFL officials, led by head referee Rolff Matthias, have thoroughly examined the winning pencil of Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man”, and have determined that it is so damaged that it cannot continue in active play, and Skrilla will be unable to use it to defend his title at WXPFL VII.

This led to a heated closed-door meeting between WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV and a swarm of attorneys representing not just Skrilla, but also the other top contendersand claimants for the title: “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough, who won the title, but was stripped of it before he could defend it, The Bird, who has a rematch clause in his contract that has yet to be realized, as well as the current #1 contender The Librarian, who claims that Skrilla’s pencil should have never even been allowed to advance in the last tournament.

Early this morning, Ticonderoga has released this statement:

“I’m sure everybody’s aware of the controversial situation surrounding the WXPFL championship right now. After listening to lawyers jabber for an eternity, I finally realized the answer to our mutual problem. I’ve decided that the title will be put on the line at WXPFL VII in a Last Pencil Standing gauntlet match.”

He then detailed the rules of the Last Pencil Standing match: Two fighters face off, each drawing a fresh pencil from an upopened pack of 24. When one fighter is beaten, he’s replaced by another immediately, using both random audience members and the entire WXPFL roster, until 24 fighters have competed.  The entry order of the WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighters will be chosen by a random drawing. The Hundred Dollar Man will enter the match as the champion, but his entry order will be random like everyone else’s, and he will draw a new pencil like everyone else. Standard rules of Extreme Pencil Fighting apply.

This promises to make WXPFL VII fast paced and full of surprises. WXPFL VII: LAST PENCIL STANDING is scheduled for Friday December 3rd, 10pm at The Rendezvous Jewelbox Theatre in Seattle.

HISTORY of WXPFL SEATTLE EVENTS

WXPFL Championships I –  The Bird wins the championship in a tournament, facing DeeeVious Silvertounge in the finals. Thu. June 25th 2009.

WXPFL Championships II: LEAD POISONING – The Bird defends his title against tournament winner The Lepre-Con. Thu. Sept. 24th 2009.

WXPFL Championships III: BREAKING POINT – The Bird defends his title against tournament winner The Yellow Dragon. Sat. Nov. 7th 2009.

WXPFL Championships IV: PENCILMANIA – The Bird defends his title in a rematch againt The Yellow Dragon, Dan Halligan wins the Pencilmania open audience tournament and becomes The Librarian, and the Asshole Brothers lose to The San Juan Island Savage, but attack him after the match. Thu. Mar. 4th 2010.

WXPFL Championships V: ERASED – The Bird is dethroned by the tournament winner, audience member “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough, The Asshole Brothers vs. The San Juan Island Savage in a Ticonderoga Triple Threat Match is ruled a triple DQ. Thu. May 20th 2010.

WXPFL Championships VI: HOT LEAD – The title is vacated, and Thaddeus P. Skrilla, The Hundred Dollar Man wins the tournament for the championship, Jimmie Asshole vs. The San Juan Island Savage in a Cage Match is ruled a double DQ.  Thu. August 5th 2010.

WXPFL Championships VII: LAST PENCIL STANDING – The Hundred Dollar Man successfully defends his title in a Last Pencil Standing gauntlet match against both the audience and the entire roster. Impressive showings by both “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough and newcomer The Canadian. Fri. December 3rd 2010.

WXPFL Championships VIII: HARD WOOD – Due to popular demand, the Last Pencil Standing match returned, replacing the standard single elimination brackets. Ronald McFondle got the lucky last draw and shocked the world when he took out The Librarian to win the tourney. He then faced Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man” for the WXPFL Championship, but The Hundred Dollar Man triumphed and remains the champion. March 25 2011.

WXPFL Championships IX: UNBROKEN – Two Pencil Pack Challenge elimination tage team matches were featured. Team Asshole (led by The Asshole Brothers) defeated Team Savage (led by The San Juan Island Savage) resulting in the San Juan Island Savage being forced to join the Asshole Brothers Entourage and get an Asshole makeover. Team McFondle Inc. (led by #1 contender Ronald McFondle defeated The Hundred Dollar Team (led by WXPFL Champion The Hundred Dollar Man) resulting in the Hundred Dollar Man losing his Hundred Dollar Fortune to Ronald McFondle. The 2nd annual Pencilmania Open Audience Tournament for a WXPFL contract was won by Jenn Webb with an assist from the penalty pencil of the Yellow Dragon. June 17 2011.

WXPFL Championships X: SPLINTERED – The Last Pencil Standing match has been adopted as the main tournament for the WXPFL, and has been rechristened “The Lottery of Lead” for the tenth WXPFL championships. Many new Gra-Fighters debuted including Coach Stern, PencElvira, Sideshow Ben The Human Pencil Box and the return of 80’s Pencil Fighting legend The Graphite Sheik. We saw the transformation of The San Juan Island Savage into an Asshole after he was forced to join the Asshole Brothers. The main event was changed at the last minute and Thaddeus P. Skrilla was forced to meet the “Asshole Beater” Adam Chesbrough, winner of the Lottery of Lead, and in a shocking upset, Asshole Beater is your new WXPFL Champion! November 17, 2011.

WXPFL Thursday Night Pencil Fights debuts as a regular monthly show at The Re-Bar in Seattle, and a new era in Extreme Pencil Fighting begins! February 16, 2012.

(PENCIL) Breaking News: Thaddeus P. Skrilla is new WXPFL Champion!

At WXPFL VI: HOT LEAD, a new champion was crowned, the richest man in Pencil Fighting and close friend of Silas Ticonderoga IV, Thaddeus P. Skrilla – The Hundred Dollar Man!

During the semis, both the Hundred Dollar Man and audience member The Annihilator broke their pencils simultaneously, but referees ruled that since Skrilla’s pencil broke during his strike, and not defense, that he would move on to the finals against The Librarian, but would have to use the longer end of his now broken pencil.

Though Skrilla’s pencil was a battered stub, The Librarian’s pencil was also severely damaged after a vicious fight earlier against the returning Yellow Dragon, that Skrilla was able to eke out another victory to become the champion! It reamins to be seen if the WXPFL will allow Skrilla to use the same sliver of pencil to defend his title at WXPFL VII. 

The feud between The Asshole Brothers and The San Juan Island Savage escalated during the first-ever WXPFL Cage Match, as Jimmie Asshole’s attempt to interfere led to both brothers entangled in a chinese finger trap and pummeled by the Savage. Yet another double disqualification was ruled, and the WXPFL has warned both camps that further mayhem may remove them from the rankings entirely.

Former longtime WXPFL champion The Bird declined to participate in the tournament, invoking a clause in his contract that would allow him to face “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough in a pre-tournament match for #1 contendership and a title shot to be taken immediately following the main tournament at WXPFL VII.

“Big Time” Bill Bates has had his suspension lifted as a requirement of the ongoing sexual harassment suit brought against WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV by Bill Bate’s cousin “Cruel” Summer. He did not adance in the tournament however.

WXPFL Championships VI: HOT LEAD Thursday August 5th at The Funhouse

(PENCIL) BREAKING NEWS –
Pabst Blue Ribbon presents:

WXPFL Pencil Fighting Championships VI: HOT LEAD

at The Funhouse in Seattle – Thursday August 5th 9pm – featuring live music by WARNING: DANGER!

Confusion has reigned over the last week as the current WXPFL Champion “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough was suspended by WXPFL Officials for using a body-enhancing steroid OTHER than WXPFL Sponsor Buff Nuxx.

So WXPFL Owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has vacated the title, and now the tournament will be direct shot at the championship, all you gotta do is beat the most dangerous pros in the business!

Starting at 9pm is the WXPFL Tournament pitting WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighters vs. randonly drawn audience members in a battle for prizes, trophy, glory, and a shot at the vacant WXPFL championship.

Audience members will battle the roster of WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighting Superstars…, The Bird, The Yellow Dragon, Ronald McFondle, The Librarian, Thaddeus P. Skrilla – The Hundred Dollar Man and more!

PLUS: Special challenge match:

At WXPFL V, The San Juan Isalnd Savage regained his sacred JuJu Bone, but the vendetta between the Asshole Brothers and the Savage is not over yet!

THE ASSHOLE BROTHERS vs. HIGH CHIEF ANAKORTES ORKAS – THE SAN JUAN ISLAND SAVAGE in a dangerous CAGE MATCH!

Live Music by WARNING: DANGER!

Hosted by Prof. Jake Stratton (BloodHag, Rat City Rollergirls, SST)
and Don “Beauty” Rumble.

Sponsored by

Pabst Blue Ribbon, The Rat City Rollergirls, Archie McPhee, Dungeons and Dragons, Scarecrow Video, Pierced Hearts Tattoo & Piercing, Sin In Linen, Dixon/Ticonderoga Pencils and Buff Nuxx weight gain powder.
THURSDAY AUGUST 5th at THE FUNHOUSE
WXPFL VI: HOT LEAD
$7 21+ 8pm doors/9pm…Pencil Fight!
The Funhouse 206 5th ave. N. Under the Space Pencil, I mean, Needle.
  

To see the rules of Extreme Pencil Fighting and find out more about this proud and ancient sport, go to http://www.pencilfightingwriting.wordpress.com

(PENCIL) Breaking News! Audience member Balls Deep beats The Bird!

In an upset victory, randomly chosen audience member Balls Deep (Brian Chesbrough) not only won the WXPFL tournament, but went on to beat 4-time standing champion The Bird!

Many thought The Bird would never be defeated. Many others thought it was a miracle The Bird was able to keep his title and the trophy this long, since his pencil was so battered from his many mighty fights. Now only time will tell if Balls Deep will be able to defend the title and go on to his own long reign.

In the secondary main event, The Asshole Brothers took on The San Juan Island Savage in a rare and dangerous Ticonderoga Triple Threat Match which devolved into mayhem and resulted in referee Rolff Matthias getting a faceful of curry powder. However, the San Juan Island Savage overpowered the Asshole Brothers and their entire entourage and regained his Ju Ju Bone!