WXPFL Official Pro Gra-Fighter Rankings 2/17/12

World Extreme Pencil Fighting League Official Rankings as of February Seventeenth, Two-Thousand Twelve.

WXPFL Champion: Harry Balls

Championship contenders:

1.  Valtron 3000

2.  Thaddeus P. Skrilla

3.  Ronald McFondle

4.  The Librarian

5.  High Chief Anakortes Orkas – The San Juan Island Savage

6.  Jimmie Asshole

7.  Balls Deep

8.  The Yellow Dragon

9.  Captain Canadian

10. Sir Eddie Van Glam

CONTENDER NOTES 2/17/12

Debuting Pro Valtron 3000 knocked the San Juan Island Savage out of the final spot in the Lottery of Lead and is slated to face Harry Balls at the March edition of WXPFL Thursday Night Pencil Fights. PencElvira after a strong debut in 2011 was knocked out of the top ten by the debut of “The King of Boylesque” Sir Eddie Van Glam. Rumors abound of WXPFL scouts looking to recruit audience member C-Dipp after another strong showing. The Bird was once again detained with visa issues attempting to fly from Matamoras, and his cancellation has dropped him from the top ten for the first time in three years.

CONTENDER NOTES 2/10/12

The audience member who fought under the name “Asshole Beater” and went on to become the WXPFL champion, has been revealed to be Harry Balls, the brother of Balls Deep. Harry was a successful porn screenwriter until last year, when he was replaced by a webcam.

In an attempt to start fresh in the new monthly format, there will be no title match at the debut monthly show on Feb. 16th, and the winner of the Lottery of Lead tournament will win a title shot against the WXPFL champion at the following event in March. The debut show main events will be WXPFL champion Harry Balls teaming with his brother Balls Deep as The Balls Brothers in a tag team grudge match against The Asshole Brothers and former champion Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man” facing Ronald McFondle in a “Pencils Break Anywhere” match, with the “Hundred Dollar Fortune” on the line.

CONTENDER NOTES 11/18/11

The main event scheduled was altered at the last second by Silas Ticonderoga IV, having Ronald McFondle arrested and declaring that the winner of the Lottery of Lead would face Thaddeus P. Skrilla for the title. Audience member “Asshole Beater” Adam Chesbrough beat Jimmie Asshole to win the tournament, and went on to beat Skrilla for the title! PencElvira’s record making 7 eliminations in the Lottery of Lead has skyrocketed her into the top ten. Bill Bates has left Pencil Fighting to pursue other interests. We wish Bates good fortune in his future endeavors.

CONTENDER NOTES 7/18/11

No title was on the line during the two Pencil Pack challenge matches, so no change in rankings was observed. Audience member Jenn Webb won the second annual Pencilmania open audience tournament for a WXPFL contract.

CONTENDER NOTES 3/26/11:

RISES: The Last Pencil Standing tournament replaced the single elimination tournament for WXPFL VIII: HARD WOOD, and Ronald McFondle won it. He then lost his bid for the championship belt against standing champion The Hundred Dollar Man. This lucky shot for McFondle skyrocketed him up the rankings to #1 contender.

Balls Deep, accompanied by his consort Fellatia the Fluffer, gyrated to a three-win streak, maintaining his lofty perch in the rankings, but he was eliminated by Jimmie Asshole, who seemed just as surprised as everyone else. This drug Jimmie out of the bottom of the rankings, and has split the Assholes up in the rankings for the first time ever. A good showing late in the tourney by The Librarian keeps him at a solid #3.

FALLS: Bad luck struck The Yellow Dragon, as she was drawn first and eliminated by an audience member. No-shows by The Canadian and The Bird dropped them down the rankings, and another no-show by The Penultimate Warrior and yet another arrest and subsequesnt no-show by Mick Finster The Lepra-Con kept them out of the rankings altogether. “Big Time” Bill Bates returned,  but was quickly eliminated in one round.

DEBUTS: New Pro Gra-Fighters debuted, but neither The Burlzerquer, Gary The Gloryhole or “One Eye” Jack McCyclops advanced far enough to make the top ten rankings.

CONTENDER NOTES 12/4/10:

“Big Time” Bill Bates was detained at the airport returning from Hollywood after refusing to go through the full body scanner, and was unable to make the Last Pencil Standing gauntlet match. This no-show at the biggest event of the year has penalized Bates, dropping him down to the bottom of the rankings.

The newest hire of the International Talent Search The Canadian wowed the crowd with a polite but lengthy streak of wins, dominating the middle stretch of the Last Pencil Standing tournament. This impressive debut has catapulted him up the rankings from unranked to #6, making his the highest ranking debut of any pencil fighter since the WPFL changed to the WXPFL.

The Asshole Brothers forced their entourage into the Last Pencil Standing match, with Swami Pervii Slurpii and their new lawyer Morty Manischevitz also participating and promising to give the title to the Assholes if they won. None of the Assholes or entourage managed to advance, however.

Mick Finster “The Lepre-Con” was sentenced to three to five years in a Parisian prison for performing a series of lewd acts with baguettes, and has been removed from the active roster.

“Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough returned from his suspension, and beat many top competitors in a row at Last Pencil Standing, beating top opponents with a single strike, including the also returning rival The Bird. The final draw to face him was reigning champ Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man”, who was warned repeatedly about attempted rules violations, keeping Balls Deep off balance enough to survive the first strike, then following it up with a single devastating strike of his own, and walking away with the new WXPFL championship belt.

CONTENDER NOTES 8/4/10:

Big time news for “Big Time” Bill Bates! Due to the sexual harrassment suit brought against WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV by Bill Bates’ cousin Summer, the WXPFL governing body has agreed to lift the suspension of Bill Bates and allow him to return to active Gra-Fighting at WXPFL Championships VI: HOT LEAD!

CONTENDER NOTES 7/29/10:

WXPFL Champion “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough was suspended by WXPFL Officials for using a body-enhancing steroid OTHER than WXPFL Sponsor Buff Nuxx. WXPFL Owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has vacated the title, and now the WXPFL VI: HOT LEAD tournament will be direct shot at the championship.
CONTENDER NOTES 5/5/10:

DeeeVious Silvertounge has been indefinitely suspended for his attack on referee Rolff Matthias.

“Cruel” Summer has assumed the remaining contract of her suspended cousin “Big Time” Bill Bates, thanks to an obscure clause found in the WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighter contract.

The Penultimate Warrior has several appearances remaining on his contract, but since he was eliminated in the first round of the WXPFL V Tournament, he did not make it into the top ten contenders.

Balls Deep won the tournament, and went on to defeat The Bird for the WXPFL Championship. A rematch contract is being drawn up for WXPFL VI.

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WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: Chief Anakortes Orkas “The San Juan Island Savage”

Abandoned as a child in the misty jungles of the San Juan Islands, he was found and raised by a tribe of Granolas, learning their ancient ways of hunting, pencil fighting, recumbent bike riding, recycling, composting and Phish concert attending. Through his bravery in defending the tribe from outsiders, the child eventually rose to become the High Chief of the tribe, assuming the title High Chief Anakortes Orkas and earning a reputation in the outside world as a fearsome Pencil Fighter. This attracted the attention of WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga who worked tirelessly to recruit the wary Orkas to the ranks of the WXPFL. Ticonderoga won out, and the Savage’s cedar-swinging skills were bought for a reported truckload of hemp necklaces and Kindles. Upon entering the WXPFL the proud Savage immediately butted heads with The Asshole Brothers and has been embroiled in a long-standing feud with the Assholes and their entourage.

The San Juan Island Savage's bestial stare!

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Asshole Brothers

WXPFL doesn’t sign Gra-Fighters based on their personality. If you can’t swing the cedar with the best, you’re not making the WXPFL roster. So when the bred-in-the-bone dirtbags The Asshole Brothers brought their particular brand of bad boy to Pencil Fighting, their Gra-Fighting skills made it more than worth the trouble to put up with their antics.

The brotherly duo of Joseph and Jimmie Asshole showed their rambunctious, rebellious, rock n’ roll nature at a young age, when they were eighty-sixed from the zoo during a third grade field trip for pencil fighting in the bear pit. After that, their Pencil Fighting obsession took hold. They were soon eighty-sixed from school, eighty-sixed from their jobs, eighty-sixed from every bar, restaurant, airport and federal building in the city, eighty-sixed from the city, then eighty-sixed from the state, and after that, eighty-sixed from the country.

During their exile from America they traveled the world, and fell in with a pencil-smuggling ring operating out of the graphite pits of southern Finland. It was here they made their fortune and further honed their pencil fighting skills, learning the tricks and techniques of every culture. They were soon eighty-sixed from Finland, then eighty-sixed from 10 other countries in the EU, Asia and Africa. After being eighty-sixed from France, they were allowed to return to America, but only under WXPFL’s supervision to professionally Pencil Fight.

Despite being scorned and vilified in so much of the world, many countries have gone “Asshole Crazy” about Joseph and Jimmie. They’ve been elevated to major celebrity status in Paraguay (where they love Jimmie) and Uruguay (where they renamed the capitol after Joseph). In India an Asshole Cult worship them as demigods and hold elaborate rituals in their name. The leader of this cult, Swami Pervi Slurpii has recently joined the Asshole entoruage, and blesses all the Brother’s fights.

Yet, despite their fame, power and money, they’re still just Assholes.

The Asshole Brothers routinely compete against each other in a pre-tournament match to see who will get the slot in the WXPFL tournament. Who will get the spot to go for the gold at WXPFL III: Breaking Point?

JOSEPH ASSHOLE: The younger of the two, Joseph prefers to let Jimmie be the mouthpiece, and instead let his pencil do the talking. Famous for the Asshole Grip defense. He loves beer, Metal, and destroying the ozone layer.

JIMMIE ASSHOLE: The elder Asshole is loud and fearless, a colorful lunatic who usually brokers their underground pencil fights. Founder of the Asshole school of Pencil Fighting in Jakarta, India. He loves Metal, being addicted to substances, and the smell of fresh laundry.

A former member of Thee Asshole Entourage

BROTHER DAMIEN: The Assholes were once accompanied at all times by their massive russian bodyguard Brother Damien, a former KGB agent. Brother Damien’s services were won by The Asshole Brothers in an unlicensed underground Pencil Fight, where Joseph Asshole battled Vladimir Putin atop Stalin’s glass casket. Never speaking, Brother Damien is the head of Asshole Brothers Security.

Jimmie Asshole

Jimmie Asshole holds his penalty pencil high!

None slicker than Joseph Asshole!

Swami Pervi Slurpii and Brother Damien watch the Asshole Brothers fight!

Photos by Vicki Bracken

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: Mick Finster The Lepre-Con

In 2009, WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV introduced his “Global Talent Initiative”. He sent a team of talent agents to every corner of the earth looking for the fiercest, freshest, most extreme professional and amateur Pencil Fighters. So far it’s paid off, as every new Gra-Fighter signed has made an immediate and lasting impact!

 

Mick Finster - The Lepre-Con

Mick Finster - The Lepre-Con

Photo by Vicki Bracken.

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Yellow Dragon

In 2009, WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV introduced his “Global Talent Initiative”. He sent a team of talent agents to every corner of the earth looking for the fiercest, freshest, most extreme professional and amateur Pencil Fighters. So far it’s paid off, as every new Gra-Fighter signed has made an immediate and lasting impact!

 

 

Beautiful and Deadly - The Yellow Dragon

Beautiful and Deadly - The Yellow Dragon

Photo by Vicki Bracken

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Hundred Dollar Man

The Hundred Dollar Man made his first appearance at WXPFL III, but he has had his hands in WXPFL since its inception. In photo enhancements of pictures taken of the crowd, you can view Mr. Thaddeus P. Skrilla sitting in the penthouse suite atop the Jewelbox Theater at every event. Word on the street has it that he paid a team of North Korean immigrants tens of dollars in order to construct the robot that competed in prior pencil fighting tournaments before self destructing after it’s loss to the Bird.

After his robot’s failure, Mr. Skrilla has reinvested his wealth into giving himself unfair advantages in pencil fighting. He had rolls of pennies implanted into his knuckles in order to improve his defense, he bought the technology used in the film “Rookie of the Year” and had the tendons in his arm surgically altered in order to improve his pencil strike and he’s even gone as far as to use his above average wealth to hire out of work reality TV star Steven Seagal to teach him to properly stare down his opponents.

He cares nothing for the championship, but is desperate to obtain it based on sponsorships already procured from companies such as ponzischeme.com, We Pay You to Lose Weight and the Barinoff bar and diner. Coming from a moderate fortune his lifelong mottos have been “Making money is my business” and “Carpe Dime” (translated as “seize the dime”).

Skrilla finally won the WXPFL championship amidst much controversy, and has tried every attempt at avoiding defending it since then.

hundredollarman

“The Hundred Dollar Man” Thaddeus P. Skrilla

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Bird

Two-time WXPFL champion The Bird is indeed “the word”, his name on everyone’s lips and his face on every sports magaizne in the country, but who is this mysterious man? Who is the face behind the mask of the “Master of the Middle Finger from Monterrey Mexico”?

“The Bird flips, The Bird flies, The Bird beats up dudes twice his size!” is the only quote this reporter could get when quizzing The Bird about his past prior to coming to the WXPFL. With no history and no information from the man himself, we are left with his actions in the WXPFL ring. His varied catalog of pencil strikes is only matched by his collection of specialty flip-offs: The Fisherman, The Lawnmower, The Sit N’ Spin, The Abracadabra, every imaginable variation of the middle finger salute. One thing is for sure, for The Bird, a middle finger is his preferred form of communication. For him a middle finger is like “Aloha”. It means both hello and goodbye. For him it can just as easily mean “Fuck Yeah” as “Fuck You”.

At WXPFL I, The Bird fought his way through the top competitors in the game to become WXPFL Champion. At WXPFL II: Lead Poisoning he waited as seated champion and finally defeated The Lepre-Con in the final seconds of the championship match. In November 2009 questions were answered and critics were silenced as The Bird outmaneuvered The Yellow Dragon in the finals of WXPFL III: Breaking Point and became the first ever three-time WXPFL Champion! Can the beleaguered pencil of the Bird survive another battle?

Everybody's heard about The Bird!

Everybody's heard about The Bird!

Photo by Vicki Bracken.

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