WXPFL VIII: HARD WOOD Preview

(PENCIL) BREAKING NEWS:

WXPFL officials have announced the first WXPFL Championships of 2011!

WXPFL CHAMPIONSHIPS VIII: HARD WOOD – Friday March 25th 10pm Rendezvous Jewelbox Theatre $7 21+

Audience response to the Last Pencil Standing gauntlet match was phenomenal, and WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has decided to bring it back, this time as a replacement for our normal single-elimination brackets. Twenty competitors, both our WXPFL stable of Pro Gra-Fighters and audience members, will be entered at random into the LPS tournament, and the winner will get trophy, prizes and most importantly, an immediate title shot against current WXPFL Champion Thaddeus P. Skrilla aka “The Hundred Dollar Man”.

Ticonderoga also announced that more new international talents will be joining the roster and making their debuts at Hard Wood, classic Gra-Fighters will return, and sadly, a few top contenders will be missing the show:

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, the WXPFL has arranged for the release of Mick Finster The Lepra-Con from the Parisian prison that has been his home since December 2010, in order to compete in WXPFL VIII.  Inside sources say that the Parisians were happy to be free of him due to his lack of couth and his outrageous views on fine French Cru Beaujolais.

Hot, polite, newcomer The Canadian will be unable to make the show due to the metric system.

4-time WXPFL champion The Bird will be unable to make the show due to injuries to the middle fingers of both hands suffered during sparring.

The Penultimate Warrior posted a really long, rambling blog about why he couldn’t make it, but we couldn’t understand any of it.

See all you Pencil Fighting fans at The Rendezvous on March 25th!

WXPFL VII Report

“Big Time” Bill Bates was detained at the airport returning from Hollywood after refusing to go through the full body scanner, and was unable to make the Last Pencil Standing gauntlet match. This no-show at the biggest event of the year has penalized Bates, dropping him down to the bottom of the rankings.

The newest hire of the International Talent Search The Canadian wowed the crowd with a polite but lengthy streak of wins, dominating the middle stretch of the Last Pencil Standing tournament. This impressive debut has catapulted him up the rankings from unranked to #6, making his the highest ranking debut of any pencil fighter since the WPFL changed to the WXPFL.

The Asshole Brothers forced their entourage into the Last Pencil Standing match, with Swami Pervii Slurpii and their new lawyer Morty Manischevitz also participating and promising to give the title to the Assholes if they won. None of the Assholes or entourage managed to advance, however.

Mick Finster “The Lepre-Con” was sentenced to three to five years in a Parisian prison for performing a series of lewd acts with baguettes, and has been removed from the active roster.

“Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough returned from his suspension, and beat many top competitors in a row at Last Pencil Standing, beating top opponents with a single strike, including the also returning rival The Bird. The final draw to face him was reigning champ Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man”, who was warned repeatedly about attempted rules violations, keeping Balls Deep off balance enough to survive the first strike, then following it up with a single devastating strike of his own, and walking away with the new WXPFL championship belt.