World Extreme Pencil Fighting League Official Rankings as of February Seventeenth, Two-Thousand Twelve.
WXPFL Champion: Harry Balls
1. Valtron 3000
2. Thaddeus P. Skrilla
3. Ronald McFondle
4. The Librarian
5. High Chief Anakortes Orkas – The San Juan Island Savage
6. Jimmie Asshole
7. Balls Deep
8. The Yellow Dragon
9. Captain Canadian
10. Sir Eddie Van Glam
CONTENDER NOTES 2/17/12
Debuting Pro Valtron 3000 knocked the San Juan Island Savage out of the final spot in the Lottery of Lead and is slated to face Harry Balls at the March edition of WXPFL Thursday Night Pencil Fights. PencElvira after a strong debut in 2011 was knocked out of the top ten by the debut of “The King of Boylesque” Sir Eddie Van Glam. Rumors abound of WXPFL scouts looking to recruit audience member C-Dipp after another strong showing. The Bird was once again detained with visa issues attempting to fly from Matamoras, and his cancellation has dropped him from the top ten for the first time in three years.
CONTENDER NOTES 2/10/12
The audience member who fought under the name “Asshole Beater” and went on to become the WXPFL champion, has been revealed to be Harry Balls, the brother of Balls Deep. Harry was a successful porn screenwriter until last year, when he was replaced by a webcam.
In an attempt to start fresh in the new monthly format, there will be no title match at the debut monthly show on Feb. 16th, and the winner of the Lottery of Lead tournament will win a title shot against the WXPFL champion at the following event in March. The debut show main events will be WXPFL champion Harry Balls teaming with his brother Balls Deep as The Balls Brothers in a tag team grudge match against The Asshole Brothers and former champion Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man” facing Ronald McFondle in a “Pencils Break Anywhere” match, with the “Hundred Dollar Fortune” on the line.
CONTENDER NOTES 11/18/11
The main event scheduled was altered at the last second by Silas Ticonderoga IV, having Ronald McFondle arrested and declaring that the winner of the Lottery of Lead would face Thaddeus P. Skrilla for the title. Audience member “Asshole Beater” Adam Chesbrough beat Jimmie Asshole to win the tournament, and went on to beat Skrilla for the title! PencElvira’s record making 7 eliminations in the Lottery of Lead has skyrocketed her into the top ten. Bill Bates has left Pencil Fighting to pursue other interests. We wish Bates good fortune in his future endeavors.
CONTENDER NOTES 7/18/11
No title was on the line during the two Pencil Pack challenge matches, so no change in rankings was observed. Audience member Jenn Webb won the second annual Pencilmania open audience tournament for a WXPFL contract.
CONTENDER NOTES 3/26/11:
RISES: The Last Pencil Standing tournament replaced the single elimination tournament for WXPFL VIII: HARD WOOD, and Ronald McFondle won it. He then lost his bid for the championship belt against standing champion The Hundred Dollar Man. This lucky shot for McFondle skyrocketed him up the rankings to #1 contender.
Balls Deep, accompanied by his consort Fellatia the Fluffer, gyrated to a three-win streak, maintaining his lofty perch in the rankings, but he was eliminated by Jimmie Asshole, who seemed just as surprised as everyone else. This drug Jimmie out of the bottom of the rankings, and has split the Assholes up in the rankings for the first time ever. A good showing late in the tourney by The Librarian keeps him at a solid #3.
FALLS: Bad luck struck The Yellow Dragon, as she was drawn first and eliminated by an audience member. No-shows by The Canadian and The Bird dropped them down the rankings, and another no-show by The Penultimate Warrior and yet another arrest and subsequesnt no-show by Mick Finster The Lepra-Con kept them out of the rankings altogether. “Big Time” Bill Bates returned, but was quickly eliminated in one round.
DEBUTS: New Pro Gra-Fighters debuted, but neither The Burlzerquer, Gary The Gloryhole or “One Eye” Jack McCyclops advanced far enough to make the top ten rankings.
CONTENDER NOTES 12/4/10:
“Big Time” Bill Bates was detained at the airport returning from Hollywood after refusing to go through the full body scanner, and was unable to make the Last Pencil Standing gauntlet match. This no-show at the biggest event of the year has penalized Bates, dropping him down to the bottom of the rankings.
The newest hire of the International Talent Search The Canadian wowed the crowd with a polite but lengthy streak of wins, dominating the middle stretch of the Last Pencil Standing tournament. This impressive debut has catapulted him up the rankings from unranked to #6, making his the highest ranking debut of any pencil fighter since the WPFL changed to the WXPFL.
The Asshole Brothers forced their entourage into the Last Pencil Standing match, with Swami Pervii Slurpii and their new lawyer Morty Manischevitz also participating and promising to give the title to the Assholes if they won. None of the Assholes or entourage managed to advance, however.
Mick Finster “The Lepre-Con” was sentenced to three to five years in a Parisian prison for performing a series of lewd acts with baguettes, and has been removed from the active roster.
“Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough returned from his suspension, and beat many top competitors in a row at Last Pencil Standing, beating top opponents with a single strike, including the also returning rival The Bird. The final draw to face him was reigning champ Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man”, who was warned repeatedly about attempted rules violations, keeping Balls Deep off balance enough to survive the first strike, then following it up with a single devastating strike of his own, and walking away with the new WXPFL championship belt.
CONTENDER NOTES 8/4/10:
Big time news for “Big Time” Bill Bates! Due to the sexual harrassment suit brought against WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV by Bill Bates’ cousin Summer, the WXPFL governing body has agreed to lift the suspension of Bill Bates and allow him to return to active Gra-Fighting at WXPFL Championships VI: HOT LEAD!
CONTENDER NOTES 7/29/10:
WXPFL Champion “Balls Deep” Brian Chesbrough was suspended by WXPFL Officials for using a body-enhancing steroid OTHER than WXPFL Sponsor Buff Nuxx. WXPFL Owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has vacated the title, and now the WXPFL VI: HOT LEAD tournament will be direct shot at the championship.
CONTENDER NOTES 5/5/10:
DeeeVious Silvertounge has been indefinitely suspended for his attack on referee Rolff Matthias.
“Cruel” Summer has assumed the remaining contract of her suspended cousin “Big Time” Bill Bates, thanks to an obscure clause found in the WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighter contract.
The Penultimate Warrior has several appearances remaining on his contract, but since he was eliminated in the first round of the WXPFL V Tournament, he did not make it into the top ten contenders.
Balls Deep won the tournament, and went on to defeat The Bird for the WXPFL Championship. A rematch contract is being drawn up for WXPFL VI.