WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Asshole Brothers

WXPFL doesn’t sign Gra-Fighters based on their personality. If you can’t swing the cedar with the best, you’re not making the WXPFL roster. So when the bred-in-the-bone dirtbags The Asshole Brothers brought their particular brand of bad boy to Pencil Fighting, their Gra-Fighting skills made it more than worth the trouble to put up with their antics.

The brotherly duo of Joseph and Jimmie Asshole showed their rambunctious, rebellious, rock n’ roll nature at a young age, when they were eighty-sixed from the zoo during a third grade field trip for pencil fighting in the bear pit. After that, their Pencil Fighting obsession took hold. They were soon eighty-sixed from school, eighty-sixed from their jobs, eighty-sixed from every bar, restaurant, airport and federal building in the city, eighty-sixed from the city, then eighty-sixed from the state, and after that, eighty-sixed from the country.

During their exile from America they traveled the world, and fell in with a pencil-smuggling ring operating out of the graphite pits of southern Finland. It was here they made their fortune and further honed their pencil fighting skills, learning the tricks and techniques of every culture. They were soon eighty-sixed from Finland, then eighty-sixed from 10 other countries in the EU, Asia and Africa. After being eighty-sixed from France, they were allowed to return to America, but only under WXPFL’s supervision to professionally Pencil Fight.

Despite being scorned and vilified in so much of the world, many countries have gone “Asshole Crazy” about Joseph and Jimmie. They’ve been elevated to major celebrity status in Paraguay (where they love Jimmie) and Uruguay (where they renamed the capitol after Joseph). In India an Asshole Cult worship them as demigods and hold elaborate rituals in their name. The leader of this cult, Swami Pervi Slurpii has recently joined the Asshole entoruage, and blesses all the Brother’s fights.

Yet, despite their fame, power and money, they’re still just Assholes.

The Asshole Brothers routinely compete against each other in a pre-tournament match to see who will get the slot in the WXPFL tournament. Who will get the spot to go for the gold at WXPFL III: Breaking Point?

JOSEPH ASSHOLE: The younger of the two, Joseph prefers to let Jimmie be the mouthpiece, and instead let his pencil do the talking. Famous for the Asshole Grip defense. He loves beer, Metal, and destroying the ozone layer.

JIMMIE ASSHOLE: The elder Asshole is loud and fearless, a colorful lunatic who usually brokers their underground pencil fights. Founder of the Asshole school of Pencil Fighting in Jakarta, India. He loves Metal, being addicted to substances, and the smell of fresh laundry.

A former member of Thee Asshole Entourage

BROTHER DAMIEN: The Assholes were once accompanied at all times by their massive russian bodyguard Brother Damien, a former KGB agent. Brother Damien’s services were won by The Asshole Brothers in an unlicensed underground Pencil Fight, where Joseph Asshole battled Vladimir Putin atop Stalin’s glass casket. Never speaking, Brother Damien is the head of Asshole Brothers Security.

Jimmie Asshole

Jimmie Asshole holds his penalty pencil high!

None slicker than Joseph Asshole!

Swami Pervi Slurpii and Brother Damien watch the Asshole Brothers fight!

Photos by Vicki Bracken

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