WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Asshole Brothers

WXPFL doesn’t sign Gra-Fighters based on their personality. If you can’t swing the cedar with the best, you’re not making the WXPFL roster. So when the bred-in-the-bone dirtbags The Asshole Brothers brought their particular brand of bad boy to Pencil Fighting, their Gra-Fighting skills made it more than worth the trouble to put up with their antics.

The brotherly duo of Joseph and Jimmie Asshole showed their rambunctious, rebellious, rock n’ roll nature at a young age, when they were eighty-sixed from the zoo during a third grade field trip for pencil fighting in the bear pit. After that, their Pencil Fighting obsession took hold. They were soon eighty-sixed from school, eighty-sixed from their jobs, eighty-sixed from every bar, restaurant, airport and federal building in the city, eighty-sixed from the city, then eighty-sixed from the state, and after that, eighty-sixed from the country.

During their exile from America they traveled the world, and fell in with a pencil-smuggling ring operating out of the graphite pits of southern Finland. It was here they made their fortune and further honed their pencil fighting skills, learning the tricks and techniques of every culture. They were soon eighty-sixed from Finland, then eighty-sixed from 10 other countries in the EU, Asia and Africa. After being eighty-sixed from France, they were allowed to return to America, but only under WXPFL’s supervision to professionally Pencil Fight.

Despite being scorned and vilified in so much of the world, many countries have gone “Asshole Crazy” about Joseph and Jimmie. They’ve been elevated to major celebrity status in Paraguay (where they love Jimmie) and Uruguay (where they renamed the capitol after Joseph). In India an Asshole Cult worship them as demigods and hold elaborate rituals in their name. The leader of this cult, Swami Pervi Slurpii has recently joined the Asshole entoruage, and blesses all the Brother’s fights.

Yet, despite their fame, power and money, they’re still just Assholes.

The Asshole Brothers routinely compete against each other in a pre-tournament match to see who will get the slot in the WXPFL tournament. Who will get the spot to go for the gold at WXPFL III: Breaking Point?

JOSEPH ASSHOLE: The younger of the two, Joseph prefers to let Jimmie be the mouthpiece, and instead let his pencil do the talking. Famous for the Asshole Grip defense. He loves beer, Metal, and destroying the ozone layer.

JIMMIE ASSHOLE: The elder Asshole is loud and fearless, a colorful lunatic who usually brokers their underground pencil fights. Founder of the Asshole school of Pencil Fighting in Jakarta, India. He loves Metal, being addicted to substances, and the smell of fresh laundry.

A former member of Thee Asshole Entourage

BROTHER DAMIEN: The Assholes were once accompanied at all times by their massive russian bodyguard Brother Damien, a former KGB agent. Brother Damien’s services were won by The Asshole Brothers in an unlicensed underground Pencil Fight, where Joseph Asshole battled Vladimir Putin atop Stalin’s glass casket. Never speaking, Brother Damien is the head of Asshole Brothers Security.

Jimmie Asshole

Jimmie Asshole holds his penalty pencil high!

None slicker than Joseph Asshole!

Swami Pervi Slurpii and Brother Damien watch the Asshole Brothers fight!

Photos by Vicki Bracken

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: Mick Finster The Lepre-Con

In 2009, WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV introduced his “Global Talent Initiative”. He sent a team of talent agents to every corner of the earth looking for the fiercest, freshest, most extreme professional and amateur Pencil Fighters. So far it’s paid off, as every new Gra-Fighter signed has made an immediate and lasting impact!

 

Mick Finster - The Lepre-Con

Mick Finster - The Lepre-Con

Photo by Vicki Bracken.

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Yellow Dragon

In 2009, WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV introduced his “Global Talent Initiative”. He sent a team of talent agents to every corner of the earth looking for the fiercest, freshest, most extreme professional and amateur Pencil Fighters. So far it’s paid off, as every new Gra-Fighter signed has made an immediate and lasting impact!

 

 

Beautiful and Deadly - The Yellow Dragon

Beautiful and Deadly - The Yellow Dragon

Photo by Vicki Bracken

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Hundred Dollar Man

The Hundred Dollar Man made his first appearance at WXPFL III, but he has had his hands in WXPFL since its inception. In photo enhancements of pictures taken of the crowd, you can view Mr. Thaddeus P. Skrilla sitting in the penthouse suite atop the Jewelbox Theater at every event. Word on the street has it that he paid a team of North Korean immigrants tens of dollars in order to construct the robot that competed in prior pencil fighting tournaments before self destructing after it’s loss to the Bird.

After his robot’s failure, Mr. Skrilla has reinvested his wealth into giving himself unfair advantages in pencil fighting. He had rolls of pennies implanted into his knuckles in order to improve his defense, he bought the technology used in the film “Rookie of the Year” and had the tendons in his arm surgically altered in order to improve his pencil strike and he’s even gone as far as to use his above average wealth to hire out of work reality TV star Steven Seagal to teach him to properly stare down his opponents.

He cares nothing for the championship, but is desperate to obtain it based on sponsorships already procured from companies such as ponzischeme.com, We Pay You to Lose Weight and the Barinoff bar and diner. Coming from a moderate fortune his lifelong mottos have been “Making money is my business” and “Carpe Dime” (translated as “seize the dime”).

Skrilla finally won the WXPFL championship amidst much controversy, and has tried every attempt at avoiding defending it since then.

hundredollarman

“The Hundred Dollar Man” Thaddeus P. Skrilla

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: The Bird

Two-time WXPFL champion The Bird is indeed “the word”, his name on everyone’s lips and his face on every sports magaizne in the country, but who is this mysterious man? Who is the face behind the mask of the “Master of the Middle Finger from Monterrey Mexico”?

“The Bird flips, The Bird flies, The Bird beats up dudes twice his size!” is the only quote this reporter could get when quizzing The Bird about his past prior to coming to the WXPFL. With no history and no information from the man himself, we are left with his actions in the WXPFL ring. His varied catalog of pencil strikes is only matched by his collection of specialty flip-offs: The Fisherman, The Lawnmower, The Sit N’ Spin, The Abracadabra, every imaginable variation of the middle finger salute. One thing is for sure, for The Bird, a middle finger is his preferred form of communication. For him a middle finger is like “Aloha”. It means both hello and goodbye. For him it can just as easily mean “Fuck Yeah” as “Fuck You”.

At WXPFL I, The Bird fought his way through the top competitors in the game to become WXPFL Champion. At WXPFL II: Lead Poisoning he waited as seated champion and finally defeated The Lepre-Con in the final seconds of the championship match. In November 2009 questions were answered and critics were silenced as The Bird outmaneuvered The Yellow Dragon in the finals of WXPFL III: Breaking Point and became the first ever three-time WXPFL Champion! Can the beleaguered pencil of the Bird survive another battle?

Everybody's heard about The Bird!

Everybody's heard about The Bird!

Photo by Vicki Bracken.

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: “Big Time” Bill Bates

When SSP Wrestling was forced underground by the WA. DOL, several of their former champions and main event superstars joined the WXPFL for the thrill of competition and to keep in top physical condition for when SSP rises again.

SSP has been reborn as SST, but the taste for Pencil Fighting is not easily satiated. Fighting for the thrill of competition is former SST Pacific Middleweight Champion and head of the class of the Handsome Boy Wrestling School “Big Time” Bill Bates.

Making a big time impression with his flashy entrances and shorty-short trunks, he soon made a bigger impression as a Gra-Fighter willing to do whatever it took to win. Showing disdain for the fans and even greater disdain for the rules, Bates resorted to chicanery whenever possible in every one of his matches in the last two tournaments. Bate’s blatant rule-breaking threatens to overshadow his formidable abilities as a Gra-Fighter. An athlete who prides himself on his chiseled physique, he possesses a powerful strike and an uncanny ability to hit the same spot on the defending pencil again and again.

Bates has repeatedly stated that an elbow injury sustained at WXPFL I led to his second-round defeat at WXPFL II: Lead Poisoning. His repeated attempts to cheat during WXPFL III led to his immediate dismissal and indefinite suspension of Bill Bates from active competition.

"Big Time" Bill Bates

Photo by Vicki Bracken.

WXPFL GRA-FIGHTER PROFILE: Ronald McFondle

When SSP Wrestling was forced underground by the WA. DOL, several of their former champions and main event superstars joined the WXPFL for the thrill of competition and to keep in top physical condition for when SSP rises again.

Ronald McFondle is not just the drunken, pilled up and pedophiliac clown prince of wrestling, he’s also the highly-paid CEO and Corporate Mascot of McFondle Inc., the fastest growing, least nutritious fast food chain in the world.

Without SSP to occupy him, McFondle’s had a lot of free time. To keep him from wandering the halls, barging into board meetings and giving the shocker to stray attorneys, the McFondle Inc. board members have signed him up for the big leagues of Pencil Fighting, the WXPFL.

McFondle made his debut at WXPFL II: Lead Poisoning and was defeated in a breathtaking first round fight by The Yellow Dragon. His swaying, staggering style kept her off-balance and forced the match to a time-limit penalty strike conclusion. Though he lost his debut match, McFondle has sworn to one day be the WXPFL champion!

Ronald McFondle can also be seen as part of the cast of “Get Loweded” (third fridays at The Re-Bar), one of the best variety shows in Seattle.

Ronald McFondle prepares to defend against The Yellow Dragon's penalty strike.

Ronald McFondle prepares to defend against The Yellow Dragon's penalty strike.

Photo by Vicki Bracken.