WXPFL NEWS BLAST 2/20/13

Wow! It’s been a while since i’ve posted here on the original site, the Facebook page and group have taken precedence for quite some time. Like, a year. Still can’t get the hang of Twitter either. Anyway, here’s all the most current WXPFL news, on the eve of the 1 year anniversary episode of WXPFL Thursday Night Pencil Fights at the Re-Bar!

THE WXPFL TICONDEROGA TOP TEN

With the contendership for WXPFL champion being primarily determined by tournament, we have decided to replace the old contendership rankings with The Ticonderoga Top Ten. Every month, Silas Ticonderoga IV and various gaming officials will determine  the top ten power players in the WXPFL, based on win/loss record, audience response and sportsmanship.

1. The San Juan Island Savage

2. The Librarian

3. Balls Deep

4. The Graphite Sheik

5. The Yellow Dragon

6. The Bird

7. Dr. Nefarious

8. Han Sanitizer, Germaphobic Spaceman

9. The Hundred Dollar Man Thaddeus P. Skrilla

10. Jimmie Asshole

WXPFL THURSDAY NIGHT PENCIL FIGHTS Results 2/16/12

We had a packed house for the debut of WXPFL Extreme Pencil Fighting “Thursday Night Pencil Fights” at the Re-Bar, and the press was there! KING5 Evening Magazine was there to cover the action! Their segment on the WXPFL will air on Feb. 28th, set your DVRs!

THURSDAY NIGHT PENCIL FIGHT RESULTS:

The Asshole Brothers were defeated by The Balls Brothers in the Battle of the Perineum, but it was close (about 3-4 inches away). Nothing has been resolved between these two factions, and on top of the match itself, the Asshole Brothers managed to injure our newest referee in their patented cloud of mayhem.

Thaddeus P. Skrilla was trounced by Ronald McFondle after an astounding brawl throughout the Re-Bar in their Pencils Break Anywhere match. From the walk-in freezer, to standing on the bar, to the photo booth, to diving off the DJ booth, no place was safe! Now Skrilla can never reclaim his hundred dollar fortune, which McFondle has promised to squander on clown cosmetics and cocaine. What will become of the Hundred Dollar Man without his hundred dollars?

VALTRON 3000 is your new #1 contender! Valtron has successfully made the switch from Roller Derby to Pencil Fighting by winning the Lottery of Lead tournament, knocking the San Juan Island Savage (operating under the control of The Asshole Brothers) out of the tourney. Now Valtron 3000 will face Harry Balls for the WXPFL Championship at the March show!

In drink special news, “The Don Rumble” (a shot and a tallboy) outsold “The Professor” (a gin & tonic) three to one.

Keep checking back here for all the news and updates as WXPFL knuckles up for victory every month!

(Pencil) BREAKING NEWS: New WXPFL Champion crowned…from the Audience! Plus: WXPFL goes MONTHLY!

Once again, we are super late with the update, but around here we like to let the news steep for awhile to bring out the flavor.

So where were we? WXPFL X: SPLINTERED. The tenth WXPFL Championships. The final event of 2011, and the final big event before WXPFL goes monthly!

Yes, before anything else I want to proudly announce that the WXPFL Championships will become a monthly event, on the third thursday of every month starting Thurs. Feb. 16th, only at The Re-Bar in Seattle. Advance tickets available from Brown Paper Tickets http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/227735, and please check out the facebook event for more details: https://www.facebook.com/events/256187597785738/

The events of SPLINTERED certainly set a dramatic stage for our debut show at the Re-Bar.

First, the scheduled Iron Pencil rematch between Thaddeus P. Skrilla and Ronald McFondle was postponed, as Ronald McFondle was a no-show. WXPFL owner Silas Ticonderoga IV surprised everyone by appearing at the show, and announcing that McFondle’s absence was caused by his arrest by police in connection with the Jerry Sandusky sex scandal, and that the Clown Prince of WXPFL was being held in a Pittsburgh jail for questioning. Ticonderoga declared that their rematch would be rescheduled for the debut WXPFL monthly show in January, and would now be a “Pencils Break Anywhere” match. He also declared that since Skrilla had no match that night, that he would defend the title immediately against whoever won the Lottery of Lead tournament.

The Lottery of Lead tournament was a wild affair, with debuting Pro PencElvira setting a WXPFL record, with 7 fighters eliminated, but it wasn’t enough to make it into the final round, and to everyone’s surprise, it was Jimmie Asshole of the Asshole Brothers awaiting the final draw. But Jimmie had one more fighter to face, and it turned out to be an audience member – and that audience member turned out to be the brother of former WXPFL Champion Balls Deep! He claimed his name was “Asshole Beater” and proceeded to do just that, and as Jimmie Asshole’s pencil broke, the Asshole swore revenge.

The night wasn’t over for Asshole Beater though, as he still had to face longtime WXPFL Champion Thaddeus P. Skrilla for the title belt. Skrilla was cocky after dodging McFondle’s title shot earlier, and fully expected to run right over the amateur. But Asshole Beater had other plans and after a fierce contest, added Skrilla Beater to his name, and was hoisted up onto the shoulders of the other Gra-Fighters as their new WXPFL Champion!

UPDATE: Silas Ticonderoga has announced the matches for the debut episode of WXPFL at the Re-Bar. Instead of a title defense, Asshole Beater must team with his brother Balls Deep to battle Joey and Jimmie, The Asshole Brothers in the first ever official WXPFL tag team match. Asshole Beater will get a break from defending his title until March, when he will defend it against the winner of February’s Lottery of Lead tournament. The rematch between Ronald McFondle and Thaddeus P. Skrilla will take place as a dangerous Pencils Break Anywhere match, where normal rules of Pencil Fighting do not apply. The “Hundred Dollar Fortune” is on the line.

WXPFL Championships Go Monthly – Debut show Thu. Jan. 19!

The World Extreme Pencil Fighting Championships goes monthly at The Re-Bar!
The schoolyard sport of Pencil Fighting goes Pro! Pencil vs. Pencil until somebody breaks!
The World Extreme Pencil Fighting League (WXPFL) has had ten big championship events in Seattle since 2009, and in 2012, the WXPFL Extreme Pencil Fighting Championships goes monthly!

Pabst Blue Ribbon presents:
WXPFL Extreme Pencil Fighting Championships
Debut Show at The Re-Bar!
Thursday February 16th
The Re-Bar – 1114 Howell (at Boren) 8pm doors / 9pm show 21+ $8
www.pencilfightingwriting.wordpress.com – Follow us on Facebook and Twitter.
Advance tickets for sale through Brown Paper Tickets: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/227735

FEATURING:

THE LOTTERY OF LEAD – 
Audience members take on pros in a randomly-drawn tournament for prizes and a title shot for the WXPFL Championship!

TAG TEAM MAYHEM – 
New WXPFL Champion Adam “Asshole Beater” Chesbrough teams with his brother Balls Deep and takes on the infamous Asshole Brothers in a tag team challenge match!

PENCILS BREAK ANYWHERE MATCH- 
RONALD McFONDLE vs THADDEUS P. SKRILLA “The Hundred Dollar Man” – Rematch with “The Hundred Dollar Fortune” on the line in the most dangerous match in the WXPFL – Pencils Break Anywhere!

Sponsored by Pabst Blue Ribbon, Pierced Hearts Tattoo Parlor, Scarecrow Video, Full Tilt Ice Cream Parlors, Skydottir Epic Cookies, Sin In Linen and Fantagraphics!

DON’T MISS THE WXPFL DEBUT MONTHLY AT THE REBAR, AND COME BACK THE THIRD THURSDAY OF EVERY MONTH FOR MORE EXTREME PENCIL FIGHTING ACTION!

(Pencil) Breaking News! WXPFL Championships X: SPLINTERED Thu. Nov. 17

The WXPFL World Extreme Pencil Fighting League returns to the Rendezvous for the final WXPFL Championships of 2011!
Plus: before the event, don’t miss a book signing by Sol Neelman, promoting his new book Weird Sports (featuring the WXPFL). Joining Sol will be Roller Derby legend Rettig 2 Rumble!

WXPFL CHAMPIONSHIPS X: SPLINTERED

THURSDAY NOV. 17 10pm $8 21+
THE RENDEZVOUS JEWELBOX THEATER
2322 2nd ave. Seattle

The schoolyard sport of Pencil Fighting goes pro! Pencil vs. Pencil until somebody breaks!

Sol Neelman book signing starts at 8pm in the main bar. Go to http://www.facebook.com/pages/Weird-Sports-The-Book-de-la-Sol-Neelman/156338887746506?ref=ts for more details on Sol’s amazing book!

Main event: McFONDLE vs SKRILLA II: IRON PENCIL REMATCH
Ronald McFondle vs “The Hundred Dollar Man” Thaddeus P. Skrilla championship rematch in a deadly Iron Pencil Match! Both the WXPFL championship and Skrilla’s Hundred Dollar Fortune are on the line, as they compete to see who can break the most opponent pencils in 5 minutes!

The Lottery of Lead:
This is another chapter in our main WXPFL tournament for prizes and a title shot at the next event. Two fighters start, and when one loses, another fighter enters. How long can you last? What will be your entry number? Both WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighters and audience members are eligible to fight.

What’s happened to the San Juan Island Savage?
At WXPFL IX, Team Asshole bested Team Savage in a Pencil Pack Challenge match, and in accordance with the stipulations, Chief Anakortes Orkas has had to become a member of The Asshole Brothers and undergo an “Asshole Makeover”. No one has seen The Savage or The Asshole Brothers since then, and the questions remains: what has become of the San Juan Island Savage?

Hosted by Professor Jake Stratton (BloodHag, Grudge Rock, Rat City Rollergirls) and Pencil Fighting legend Don “Beauty” Rumble.

See all your favorite Pro Gra-Fighters in action, then step up to face them pencil a pencil!
Don’t miss WXPFL X: SPLINTERED on Thursday, November 17th!

(Pencil) Breaking News! The Savage is an Asshole! The Hundred Dollar Man is broke but still champion!

Greetings, Pencil Fighting Fans! As always, we’re running late with the news around here, but the memories of WXPFL IX: Unbroken are indelibly written in pencil upon my mind.

June 17th 2011 marked the date of the first ever Pencil Pack Elimination tag team matches in WXPFL history. Two big main events featuring teams of 4 Pro gra-Fighters faced off in star-studded matches with earth-shaking consequences.

Team Asshole (Joey and Jimmie Asshole, Swami Pervii Slurpii, Atty. Morty Manishevitz) took on Team Savage (The San Juan Island Savage, The Bird, The Yellow Dragon and The Canadian). If Team Asshole won, The San Juan Island Savage would be forced to join Team Asshole and get an Asshole Makeover. If Team Savage won, one of the Asshole Brothers would be forced to become the Savage’s personal slave.

To the shock of all in attendance, The Asshole Brothers unveiled a new pencil strike dubbed “The Piledriver” and used it to destroy Team Savage in rapid succession. After deliberation, the controversial new move was ruled to be legal for the night’s competition, but has since been ruled illegal. The Assholes celebrated and led off a dejected High Chief Anakortes Orkas, and neither Asshole nor Savage have been seen since.

Then the second annual Pencilmania Open Audience Tournament for an WXPFL contract took place, and audience member Jenn Webb outfought 7 other amateurs and left with sponsor prizes and a contract to become the newest WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighter!

Next we had another Pencil Pack challenge match between Team McFondle Inc. (#1 contender Ronald McFondle, Billy The Fridge, Gary Gloryhole and Balls Deep) taking on The Hundred Dollar Team (The Hundred Dollar Man, “Local Celebrity” Emmett Montgomery, Fellatia the Fluffer and a homeless guy). If Team McFondle Inc. won, McFondle would get Thaddeus P. Skrilla’s entire Hundred Dollar Fortune. If The Hundred Dollar Team won, Skrilla would get the lucrative publishing rights to all the songs on McFondle & Fridge’s CD “The Clown and The Mountain”.

The controversy expected from such a matchup between our two top Gra-Fighters unfolded right away, as Thaddeus P. Skrilla unveiled his mystery team: the untested but well-known local celebrity Emmett Montgomery, the angry Fellatia the Fluffer who offered her “services” to Skrilla following a blow-up with boyfriend Balls Deep, and finally, when pressed to round his team out, Skrilla ran out to the back alley and recruited a random homeless guy, reportedly paid to pencil fight with a cold Hot Pocket.

The controversy continued as one by one, the teams were whittled away and Gra-Fighters were sent to the back (including an irate Skrilla) and Ronald Mcfondle suddenly found himself coached by The Asshole Brothers and Swami Pervii Slurpii, who ran to ringside and encouraged McFondle to use their new Piledriver strike for victory. McFondle hesitated, wisely wary of any assistance from the villainous Assholes, but his desire for victory won out, and The Clown used the Piledriver to eliminate the final Hundred Dollar teammate and claim the briefcase containing the Hundred Dollars. Skrilla stormed off, declaring that he would rebuild his fortune and reminded everyone that he is still reigning WXPFL Champion.

WXPFL officials have declared that the main event of the next WXPFL Championships will be a championship match between Ronald McFondle and Thaddeus P. Skrilla. Stipulations and match type to be announced later.

Even bigger news is around the corner for WXPFL as owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has promised big changes and a more hands-on approach to ownership! Stay tuned here for more info!

(Pencil) BREAKING NEWS! WXPFL IX: UNBROKEN Friday June 17

Pabst Blue Ribbon presents:
WXPFL IX: UNBROKEN
Friday June 17th
The Rendezvous Jewelbox Theatre
10pm $7 21+

At the end of WXPFL VIII, The Asshole Brothers issued an open challenge to the WXPFL roster, claiming that The Assholes and their Entourage could beat any Gra-Fighter alive.
Their longtime foe Chief Anakortes Orkas “The San Juan Island Savage” was quick to accept this challenge, and WXPFL Owner Silas Ticonderoga IV has declared that WXPFL IX: UNBROKEN will make this challenge happen – in the form of a Pencil Pack Tag Match!

A Pencil Pack Tag Match pits two teams of 4 or 5 Gra-Fighters from the WXPFL Roster in a tag elimination match. Two fighters face each other at a time. A fighter can tag out at any time, and if a fighter is defeated they must head to the locker room. The teams continue until one team has no fighters left.

Not only will we see Team Asshole vs. Team Savage, we will also have a Pencil Pack Tag Match between teams representing our WXPFL Champion Thaddeus P. Skrilla “The Hundred Dollar Man” and our #1 Contender Ronald McFondle!

Skrilla has vowed to assemble the best team of hired guns his fortune can buy, and McFondle has promised to staff the new McFondle Inc. with the sleaziest Gra-Fighters to ever swing cedar.

If Team Asshole wins, Savage must join Thee Entourage and get an Asshole Makeover.
If Team Savage wins, one of the Asshole brothers must become the Savage’s personal slave.

If Team Clown wins, McFondle and friends get Skrilla’s entire $100 fortune.
If Team Skrilla wins, Skrilla wins the lucrative publishing rights to all the songs on McFondle & Billy the Fridge’s “The Clown and The Mountain” CD.

PLUS: The Pencilmania Open Audience Tournament returns! Audience members battle each other for a WXPFL contract to become the newest WXPFL Pro Gra-Fighter!

Who will join Team Savage to try to shut Team Asshole up once and for all?
Who will sell their striking arm to Team Skrilla?
Who will fight alongside The Clown and The Mountain – Billy The Fridge and Ronald McFondle?
Who will be the newest audience member to become a WXPFL Superstar?

Find out the answer at WXPFL IX: UNBROKEN – Friday June 17 2011 at The Rendezvous in Seattle!

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